A friend of mine who doesn't follow the elections asked me to explain the candidates if they were FFXI players. This is what I came up with:
Hillary: SCH who used to be a sackholder for an oldschool HNM LS. Still does endgame now, but is also big on soloing stuff. Questions on the legitimacy of her solos pop up since it looks like she's using third-party programs. She also made a mythic surprisingly fast for someone who doesn't craft or do Salvage.
Bernie: PUP who can tank Reisenjima T4 stuff when his friends ask for his help, but doesn't actually have an endgame LS. Has two social LSs full of casual players. Helps low level people walk to Jeuno, etc. Forever fighting the stigma of lolPUP. Doesn't use Windower.
Trump: BST who inherited an account full of crafting mules and ancient currency. Doesn't actually understand how crafting works and regularly makes things at a loss. Has made all relic weapons, despite only playing BST, and has only done trials on the axe anyway. His bazaar contains a lot of HQ garbage with his name signed on it. His favorite strategy is to use Unleash and Run Wild, letting his pets do all the fighting.
Cruz: RDM who only ever buffs himself, though maybe refreshes the WHM. Fond of subbing NIN as if he was tanking or something. Always uses his favorite enspell and melees with swords, but his accuracy is ***. Wears the RDM AF armor cuz he likes the traditional RDM look. His bazaar contains a bunch of 1 byne bills listed at the value of 100 byne bills. Lots on everything, and even got a Tartarus Platemail despite not being able to wear it.
Rubio: PLD with good gear, including Aegis and Ochain, but nevertheless gets his *** kicked against most stuff. The things that don't kill him, he's dead weight against and can't hold hate. Doesn't consider NIN or RUN tank jobs, and regularly rants about SE.
Kasich: MNK with sparks gear. Dude can't get a win anywhere, not even against Tojil (but he's really practiced with the Matamata by now). Seems nice enough but he's ultimately dead weight in just about any situation. All of his accessories are from the 75 or Abyssea eras.
And some others:
Jeb: DRK who had pretty much anything money can buy, but was still bad at his job. Quit due to having nobody to play with.
Carson: BRD who buffed and went AFK. Maxed out Lullaby merits.
Christie: WAR who got banned for pos hacking before finishing his Ukonvasara.
Fiorina: Never even hit 99 before quitting.
Romney: RNG who relies on shouts to do stuff. Doesn't have an endgame LS. Hates BST strategies. Made a relic gun just before the enmity changes and is still bitter about it.
Biden: BLM who's really great at the job, but logs in like maybe once a month cuz he has a family now or something.