Things Only FFXI Players Will Understand

and Torcleaver :)

GM Call Description: Player monopolizing NM

Perfect. Just the right amount of stupid for this boy to cut his teeth on.

[GM]Dave>> Okay. How do you want to handle this?
[GM]Fetus>> Well... the manual says...
[GM]Dave>> HAHAHAHA!!!
[GM]Dave>> That's pretty funny.
[GM]Fetus>> ... What?
[GM]Dave>> The GM Manual.
[GM]Dave>> That's priceless.
[GM]Fetus>> I'm serious.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> We have a lot of work to do.
[GM]Dave>> Fine. Tell me how you'd handle it.
[GM]Fetus>> We have to log in and speak with the player.
[GM]Fetus>> And then we have to review the logs.
[GM]Dave>> No, no, no.
[GM]Dave>> Christ, what are they teaching you people?
[GM]Fetus>> That's what the manual says to do.
[GM]Dave>> Know what else the manual says?
[GM]Fetus>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Shut the hell up!
[GM]Dave>> Now, log in and follow my instructions.

So we both log into the server and warp over to the player's location.

[GM]Fetus>> Good day, Adventurer.
[GM]Fetus>> I hope this Firesday meets you well.
Player>> ...
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Don't mind him.
[GM]Dave>> He's new.
Player>> Oh.
Player>> Cool.
[GM]Dave>> So what's up?
[GM]Fetus>> You're not roleplaying.
[GM]Dave>> Don't make me slap you.
Player>> ... Yeah.
Player>> That guy has been monopolizing this NM for days.
Player>> He's here 24 hours a day.
[GM]Fetus>> We'd better check the logs for this player.
[GM]Dave>> And why would we do that?
[GM]Fetus>> This player says...
[GM]Dave>> Sweet lord.
[GM]Dave>> You're not actually listening to a player, are you?
[GM]Fetus>> Of course I am.
[GM]Fetus>> We're here to serve the players.

I literally fell off my chair at this point, I was laughing so hard.

[GM]Dave>> We don't actually listen to the players.
[GM]Dave>> They're more like pets.
Player>> HEY!
[GM]Dave>> Down, boy.
[GM]Fetus>> I thought we were supposed to...
[GM]Dave>> We're only supposed to do one thing.
[GM]Dave>> And that's ban people.
[GM]Fetus>> But what about the person being reported?
[GM]Dave>> We don't have any actual proof.
[GM]Dave>> Even the logs won't do anything.
[GM]Fetus>> So we let him go?
[GM]Dave>> No. We ban him anyway.
[GM]Dave>> Are you not paying attention?
[GM]Fetus>> But you said we don't have any proof.
[GM]Dave>> I don't get your point.
[GM]Fetus>> I'm confused.
[GM]Dave>> Let's take it one step at a time.
[GM]Dave>> This player right here... Say hi, Player.
Player>> ... Uhh... Hi?
[GM]Dave>> This guy sent an unnecessary GM call.
[GM]Dave>> And that is bad.
[GM]Dave>> And when a player does bad things, we...
[GM]Fetus>> Ban them?
[GM]Dave>> I like the way you think.
[GM]Dave>> I'd have gone with torture and humiliation.
[GM]Dave>> But I do respect efficiency.
Player>> Wait...
Player>> You're banning ME?!
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> Get used to that.
[GM]Dave>> They're kind of slow.
Player>> Are you talking about me?
[GM]Dave>> See?
[GM]Dave>> It's like taking care of a grade 3 class.
Player>> You can't say that.
[GM]Dave>> A grade 3 special ed class.
Player>> I am soo getting you fired.
[GM]Dave>> Excuse me, Fetus...
[GM]Dave>> Could you go get me a coffee?
[GM]Fetus>> Now?
[GM]Dave>> Yes, please.
[GM]Dave>> I'll just start the paperwork on this guy.
[GM]Fetus>> Oh.
[GM]Fetus>> Okay.

I smile nicely and let Fetus get out of sight.

[GM]Dave>> So...
[GM]Dave>> Do you like dragons?

I think Fetus is going to make a good GM.

I just have to break him of this whole "we help people" thing.

We're here to serve the players...

That ***is hilarious.